no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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