So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She needs sedatives and a leash
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
