ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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