just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
