why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
