First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
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you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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