she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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