sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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