Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
