So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
