My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
