The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
