What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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