Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
