All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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