please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
