bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
