I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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