Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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