textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
