Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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