So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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