you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
