Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
