my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
