Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine