I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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