yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
