Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
