Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
