If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
