Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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