sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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