I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
