ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
