if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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