yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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