apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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