I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
