He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
