Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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