There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
