I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
