saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
