new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just threw up on my dentist
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
