This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
