in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
