i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
