Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
