also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
