Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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