I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
