**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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