dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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