Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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