im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
