just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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