Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
