I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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