Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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